my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
