Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
