mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Randomize
