Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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