You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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