I just threw up on my dentist
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
