I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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