I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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