you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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