I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
