You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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