you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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