Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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