i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
