I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize