I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
