I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
