I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Sext me about skeletons
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
