Your dad touched me again.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
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