Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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