Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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