gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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