sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
