just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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