i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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