Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
His hands were made for my vagina.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
