Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
