so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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