I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize