Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
