You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
