I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
