theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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