guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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