oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
