I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
