I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
