the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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