Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize