these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
