Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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