shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
