just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
