Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
