This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
