I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
