your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
