Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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