Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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