never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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