made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
