Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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