I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
my liver is dry heaving
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
