Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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