Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
