I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
