You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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