I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
my shit smells like andre
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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